Stay in the now. Stay in the now. Stay in the now

I had a burst of false energy these last couple of days. Anger and fear triggered this burst as usual.
I need a job.
I need one now.
And yet I feel utterly incabable of doing very much some days, and other days I feel I could conquer the world.
I'm looking for some online source of income that will help me pay for the apartment that I am currently in.
I'm looking for things sane and insane that will make me some money in the comfort of my own home.
Comfort?  
What the hell is that.
It's 5:30pm and all this false energy I used up the last couple of days has caught up with me.
My head pressure feels so bad and I feel all the nerves in my body stabbing me. Literally stabbing me.
Could you stay calm if you were stabbed by a million ice picks?
Well, I fucking can't. 
I'm trying. 
But I haven't been able to leave the house. I haven't been able to really even talk. So, no, I'm really not up to working. I know I LOOK semi normal. Fuck you again outsiders for judging me. For disbelieving me. For not trusting that I am in this kind of pain and it is a torture few will encounter in life.
I had a dream last night. In it I was in the depths of withdrawal. My body was asking my soul, WHY ?? Why did you choose this path of suffering? For what purpose? For what gain?
A man posted in my benzo fb group that we have to hide and keep this tragedy secret and quiet because of the stigma of it.
I will not be silenced anymore, and yet I'm way too sick to fight. 
Many of us are.
I want to unzip my body and get a new one.
I want a new model.
I want to inhabit a different body. A different mind, I want relief. I want relief so badly.