I had a burst of false energy these last couple of days. Anger and fear triggered this burst as usual.
I need a job. I need one now. And yet I feel utterly incabable of doing very much some days, and other days I feel I could conquer the world. I'm looking for some online source of income that will help me pay for the apartment that I am currently in. I'm looking for things sane and insane that will make me some money in the comfort of my own home. Comfort? What the hell is that. It's 5:30pm and all this false energy I used up the last couple of days has caught up with me. My head pressure feels so bad and I feel all the nerves in my body stabbing me. Literally stabbing me. Could you stay calm if you were stabbed by a million ice picks? Well, I fucking can't. I'm trying. But I haven't been able to leave the house. I haven't been able to really even talk. So, no, I'm really not up to working. I know I LOOK semi normal. Fuck you again outsiders for judging me. For disbelieving me. For not trusting that I am in this kind of pain and it is a torture few will encounter in life. I had a dream last night. In it I was in the depths of withdrawal. My body was asking my soul, WHY ?? Why did you choose this path of suffering? For what purpose? For what gain? A man posted in my benzo fb group that we have to hide and keep this tragedy secret and quiet because of the stigma of it. I will not be silenced anymore, and yet I'm way too sick to fight. Many of us are. I want to unzip my body and get a new one. I want a new model. I want to inhabit a different body. A different mind, I want relief. I want relief so badly.
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AuthorSomeone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others. This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY. Archives
November 2018
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