I had a burst of false energy these last couple of days. Anger and fear triggered this burst as usual.
I need a job.
I need one now.
And yet I feel utterly incabable of doing very much some days, and other days I feel I could conquer the world.
I'm looking for some online source of income that will help me pay for the apartment that I am currently in.
I'm looking for things sane and insane that will make me some money in the comfort of my own home.
What the hell is that.
It's 5:30pm and all this false energy I used up the last couple of days has caught up with me.
My head pressure feels so bad and I feel all the nerves in my body stabbing me. Literally stabbing me.
Could you stay calm if you were stabbed by a million ice picks?
Well, I fucking can't.
But I haven't been able to leave the house. I haven't been able to really even talk. So, no, I'm really not up to working. I know I LOOK semi normal. Fuck you again outsiders for judging me. For disbelieving me. For not trusting that I am in this kind of pain and it is a torture few will encounter in life.
I had a dream last night. In it I was in the depths of withdrawal. My body was asking my soul, WHY ?? Why did you choose this path of suffering? For what purpose? For what gain?
A man posted in my benzo fb group that we have to hide and keep this tragedy secret and quiet because of the stigma of it.
I will not be silenced anymore, and yet I'm way too sick to fight.
Many of us are.
I want to unzip my body and get a new one.
I want a new model.
I want to inhabit a different body. A different mind, I want relief. I want relief so badly.
Someone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others. This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY.