silence

I haven't been here in a while, and it hasn't been good news.
My hands haven't been working right. It's scary as hell so I will keep this brief.
I just laid my head down on my pillow and let out a small cry. Help. This feels so bad and endless and with the limitation on my hand even more so.
I don't want to be dreary. 
I want to be hopeful.
But at this very challenging moment.... I am just not.
I am DAMN scared.
My hands feel as if they are weak with restless hand syndrome or something.
My thumb is stuck and painful. All my joints are.
Today I laid down with what felt like a fever, only it wasn't.
It was the benzo gift that keeps giving.
I realized I had not had a single glass of water and pushed myself up, out of bed to drink and drink and drink. Then pushed myself to do 10 min of stretches.
The days are so so long. So arduous and painful.
I am forcing myself to type because I don't want to lose the use of my hands through fear and non-use. But it's hard. All of it.
Wishing I had better things to report.
Magnesium chloride spray has helped me. That's all folks...more to report later 
Anyone have the hand symptom? Can you type well? Am I the only one?
I want to stop talking about symptoms but it seems near impossible when they crowd every inch of my stinking thinking.
I have been doing laying down meditations by Michael Sealy. I find him amazing. 
​Have a listen....