I am a broken record to everyone in my life, including myself.
I have had some relief talking to Baylissa a couple of times and reaching out to Jennifer Leigh. These are amazing warriors in this lonely fight. My husband says, get off the forums, you have read every post imaginable on there. He is right. It's not serving me anymore to be on there but I yearn to talk with others on the same path. It's comforting. One woman wrote me when I begged her to tell me how long she had akathesia for. She said she would not answer that question until I was healed. God. I like her. She writes me comforting yet tough emails. She says she was polydrugged for many years. She is concerned that I keep searching for other things wrong with me and cannot understand why I won't accept that this is JUST WITHDRAWAL. And I don't mean JUST.
I think the reason for that is that I do genuinely have other medical issues that came before benzos and were made worse by them of course.
I am just trying to put together the pieces of this medical puzzle but I know I have to just STOP.
Today was slightly better than yesterday which was a horror show.
I had terror literally from morning to night. I could not wait to go to sleep. I cannot endure this level of pain day after day but I have no choice but to....acceptance. Stop the fight. Stop the struggle with shoulda woulda coulda. I am where I am. I am not going to get magically better. Am I? I have to walk through it. On a day like yesterday it seems nearly impossible. I want to be put out of my misery and wake up in six months fresh and new. I have realized I cannot tolerate getting emotional--neither positive or negative--all emotions rock the boat right now. I need to stay steady and zombie like. My CNS feels so so raw. It's hard to describe. It is burning and raw and sensitive. I look ok on the outside though my housekeeper said--something is wrong with you, what is it? I am looking grey and sullen these days. Sad, worn down, Hair falling out in clumps.
I meditated today for the first time. I feel so worn. So alone in this. I need to keep strong as the fight is just starting. It's just beginning. I am not off these poisons yet. I don't know if I can do it honestly. I honestly don't know if my body and mind can do it. My heart is thumping and it feels like there is an elephant on my chest. I burn. I feel depression and I am not even a depressive. I prefer that to the inner restlessness and TERROR. Is this normal? Is this extreme? A doc I called said " I don't know what all that protracted withdrawal is online, withdrawal peaks at 3 weeks and is over". He is a benzo wise guy too. Huh? He suggested I get back on a higher dose and stabilize, get off other stuff and start OVER. I can't. I have come this far. I have tapered for 8 mos from 4 months usage (I was kindling these last 3 years though with sporatic usage and twenty years ago took benzos for interstital cystitis). I never knew what a BENZO was. I was prescribed this medication for a bladder condition and I took it here and there here and there with no issues for so many years. Until NOW. Now I have encountered a beast. My symptoms sound similar to those that have been on for 20 years or at high doses. I think had I not had a CNS injury from a steroid two years ago this would be a much different story. I wonder if I am screwed. Will I ever be ME. I am a broken record I know.
I walked in the rain today.... to get my damn prescriptions but still
I am drinking green juices daily.
I meditated deeply for an hour
I played a game with my kids
I struggle each and every second of every day. It's so so hard to explain this.
I am trying to ignore my physical sensations but it is very hard. Just accept that this is withdrawal and there is NOTHING else wrong. I have done loads of tests. Some more recently. I am praying for all the warriors out there. I fear my genetics will get tipped by this experience of stress. It's stress I cannot control. Literally. I am trying. No more crying, no more hysterics, I have to stay steady. I have to stay strong. I have to put one foot in front of the other. Cuddle my kids and my animals and my husband. Forget my financial fears because right now I have to just get well. Period. Pray Pray Pray...
Good night my friends.
Someone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others. This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY.