Today what did I do for my recovery?
To be honest, the day didn't start out too good. I mean it was uneventful.
I ended the day listening to music.
These last several months I haven't done that. I have done honestly not much to bring myself joy, I am so shell shocked.
So, I am listening to some spiritual music. I need to get my head out of this war zone, out of this battle. I don't feel meditation is a good thing for me now. Even my meditation teacher told me to stop meditating and to get grounded, feel the earth and walk....
I didn't walk today but I listened. I went grocery shopping. I stayed in a dark room until noon. I find it harder and harder to sleep until around 3am and thank god I am not getting out of bed to take care of my kids in the morning and going to work. No way I could survive it.
Who feels shell shocked? Literally my chest feels shocked. It's disconcerting because I just wish I knew what the hell it was and what it meant.
I read a harrowing story on Mad In America by this true hero who was put on benzos at 15 and again was not acknowledged over and over again about the multiple withdrawals and cold turkey and kindling that was happening. I am truly stunned and appalled. All that happens in mental hospitals it seems is damage. I really think these doctors should be ashamed of themselves. I don't know why they don't get it, why they choose ignorance over listening to their patients. It's criminal. No other word for it. This man and so many others were misled by doctors at an early age. A friend I talked with today has been on a hefty medication cocktail for a decade (including benzos) because early in her twenties she went to a doctor for PMS. What the fuck? Now her brain is so adapted she can't get off these medications, nor can she work steadily from various other illnesses.
I just have to break free. I have to. This wasn't meant to happen like this but I hope there is a purpose and reason.
I was reading the book Medical Medium today who said wake up everyday no matter what and tell yourself... I work for God. I work for God. He said whether you are bagging groceries or folding clothes in a retail store, making coffee in a coffee shop, this will make you feel better.
I will try it tomorrow!
I am not getting religious on anyone but I need to connect back to spirit.
I am feeling hopeless. It's a scary feeling because it's unfamiliar. When I suffered from years of chronic pain I had my mind, I had my body. I could do yoga and walk for miles. I had terrible horrific pain that was constant. But I was still me. This feels different. Maybe it's the same disease-process that has migrated who knows. Whatever it is it's frightening beyond words. It's a terror I haven't known and never thought I would encounter. A terror very few encounter in a lifetime. I didn't expect this visitor this year. I blame myself. But I need to forgive myself, that's the first step... and I am powerless. But I must continue to fight. That's what feels hard. My strength is waning.
Tomorrow I am going to make some calls to friends. It's been hard because I can't explain this to anyone. I am going to ask for people to come over and visit. I am going to get out and walk and cuddle my beautiful children.
My son saw me crying today, rushed in and told me to tell the sickness to go away. "Just do what you tell me to do...fight it and tell it to go away".
He made me a beautiful book that said For Mommy on the cover, with amazingly creative drawings and elaborate stories. He's my little monkey. I need to be here. I just do. There are no two ways about it.
I know Jennifer Leigh talked about being consumed with death and dying during her taper and post cold turkey. I feel similarly. I am not praying for death as she did, but I pray for relief. And I pray for it to end. And I wonder how much my poor poor body and brain can handle. It hurts.
This isn't the most uplifting blog at the moment but I need to keep it real. I can't force positivity at the moment. I have to stay true to what is and keep doing small things that my body and mind allow me to do.
I called my recovery sponsor today. He feels something else is going on too. If one more person says that to me I am going to bust open. I am on the hunt for a neuropsychiatrist but what good are they going to be. They will dismiss that benzo withdrawal exists, they dismiss that lyme is a real thing, they dismiss dismiss dismiss....
I read Kris Kristoferson's story today. He went to the best doctors, all the experts, and in the end when he stopped his medications and started treating his lyme...well... he improved. A lot! He got his goddamn personality back!!!
There is always a way if spirit wants there to be a way....
Someone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others. This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY.