Pulling me out of the hole
A friend and neighbor called me out today. It was a much needed wake up call. She said I was isolating and in my own world, unable to watch TV, listen to pod casts or watch a movie or socialize with others... What she said was right. Several weeks ago when I was slammed face down into the cold concrete of acute withdrawal I couldn't leave my bed. I was in horrific pain. Chest pain, akathesia, terror day and night. I could not function, read, talk, eat, only pace and beg for freaking mercy. I decided I had to do something and started neurontin oh so reluctantly. It felt like life or death. Today I am somewhat more stable. I had a horrific night with a hypnic (?) jerk or seizure like jerk that jolted my entire body. My face was lit up all night until maybe 4am. Today I actually felt ok but I dread going back to that bed. I can't do that again. Today I reached out. I sat at my neighbor's house and talked. I texted with my BB buddies, I went to the grocery store with the help of my husband. I forced myself on a walk even though I felt like I was walking through molasses. I researched a bit then stopped. I picked up my one son. I kissed and tickled them and wrote them love notes for their lunch boxes so they remember their Mommy. I want them to remember who I was, who I am, and who I hope to be for them again soon. I am trying to heal myself with food. I went to the lab for more blood work. I made an appt with a therapist. My husband just kissed me good night and said "Today was a good day". I said " For you?" He replied, "No, for you"...
It was a tiny relief today and I will take it. I took my medicine kinda sort of on time ever so reluctantly with the tug on my sleeve that keeps asking "when will I be me again, when will I be me?"
Don't I have to uncover the stormy beast of akathesia in order to get well? I need to get off these medications. I need to be free like I have been for close to 40 plus years. I found myself worrying about having a permanent movement disorder or that this jerk last night was my nervous system heading into some weird tardive like episode. Then I said STOP. If so, there is nothing more I can do. All I can do is trust myself, take doctor's guidance (with a grain of salt since they got me in this fucking mess to begin with) and press forward. Not backwards. Only forward.
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Someone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others. This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY.