A friend and neighbor called me out today. It was a much needed wake up call. She said I was isolating and in my own world, unable to watch TV, listen to pod casts or watch a movie or socialize with others... What she said was right. Several weeks ago when I was slammed face down into the cold concrete of acute withdrawal I couldn't leave my bed. I was in horrific pain. Chest pain, akathesia, terror day and night. I could not function, read, talk, eat, only pace and beg for freaking mercy. I decided I had to do something and started neurontin oh so reluctantly. It felt like life or death. Today I am somewhat more stable. I had a horrific night with a hypnic (?) jerk or seizure like jerk that jolted my entire body. My face was lit up all night until maybe 4am. Today I actually felt ok but I dread going back to that bed. I can't do that again. Today I reached out. I sat at my neighbor's house and talked. I texted with my BB buddies, I went to the grocery store with the help of my husband. I forced myself on a walk even though I felt like I was walking through molasses. I researched a bit then stopped. I picked up my one son. I kissed and tickled them and wrote them love notes for their lunch boxes so they remember their Mommy. I want them to remember who I was, who I am, and who I hope to be for them again soon. I am trying to heal myself with food. I went to the lab for more blood work. I made an appt with a therapist. My husband just kissed me good night and said "Today was a good day". I said " For you?" He replied, "No, for you"...
It was a tiny relief today and I will take it. I took my medicine kinda sort of on time ever so reluctantly with the tug on my sleeve that keeps asking "when will I be me again, when will I be me?"
Don't I have to uncover the stormy beast of akathesia in order to get well? I need to get off these medications. I need to be free like I have been for close to 40 plus years. I found myself worrying about having a permanent movement disorder or that this jerk last night was my nervous system heading into some weird tardive like episode. Then I said STOP. If so, there is nothing more I can do. All I can do is trust myself, take doctor's guidance (with a grain of salt since they got me in this fucking mess to begin with) and press forward. Not backwards. Only forward.
Someone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others. This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY.