My kids miss me.

It's hard enough to take care of yourself in withdrawal. Near impossible depending on what stage you are at. I think this is why people stay on medications despite the desire to get off of them. They simply don't have the luxury to do so. I don't really mean luxury, because as anyone knows going through this or any drug withdrawal there is NO luxury at all involved in this process.  

It's brutal and life altering in a profound way.

We have to fight to stay positive or at least we have to fight to keep any remnants of our lives going. Sometimes when in your own home, as horrid as it is to be there day in and day out, you are not faced with the fact that life keeps moving. When you walk out into the world and see those busy living, it feels like a smack of cold air in my face. 

My kids miss me. My older one is more verbal, eager to express himself at all times, easier to connect to. My little one needs me so badly but instead of greeting me with hugs and kisses I get endless tantrums, epic epic ones that leave my battered CNS frying. I love him and yet he's hard to love at times. Or in withdrawal, everything, even mustering the energy to take a shower feels hard. I mentioned in a previous post that I have to give myself instructions like "Get out of bed" "Go" "Wash the dishes" "Go on a walk" (which I managed to do again after a hiatus yesterday).

Yesterday I had somewhat of a window. I was completely sleep deprived and hadn't gotten to sleep until 5am but somehow the day felt more pleasant. Today, no. Burning, prickling, terror. Waves and Windows. A doctor I talked to told me these waves and windows are kind of similar to seizure activity. I guess the instability of the day to day. I am not sure.

The other morning I pushed myself to get out of bed and get my son dressed for school. I haven't done that in about a year. I woke up late and saw him playing silently with his little doll friends in his bed. It made me sad. He hadn't woken me or come to my door. He never does anymore as they know mommy "has problems with sleep". They have been trained not to go to their mother in the middle of the night, and my emotional absence has left me feeling kind of like a ghost in the home.

I am here, but I am not here.

He was pretty docile until we got into the car. Up until that point I thought, right, I got this... someone is watching over me this morning. The minute we got into the car he let out a scream because he didn't have the right book. Or the right socks. Screams. More screams. I was dying inside. But I kept moving. We got to school and the teacher went to take him out of the car but instead he held onto my leg. And wouldn't let go. Not that this is news, as I knew his acting out has been a sign of lack. A sign he has been missing something. His mother.

I parked and entered the school. I thought, oh god, please don't let anyone see me. It hurts to go back to a place where I had so much joy and fun dropping my kids off and staying with them as they settled in for the day. Joining in circle time and chatting with mothers and teachers. I get comments like " I haven't seen you in a while?" " Where have you been, working?" If they only knew. I've been MIA.  He signaled for me to pick him up and I just held him. And held him. He let me.  

Today he told my husband he wanted me to come and pick him up again and as hard as it was I did it. Just for today.

This fucking drug robs us of so much. Or at least it has for me.

A doctor I talked to is trying to convince me that I need yet another drug for stabilization. He told me I was medically debilitated and that means I needed medical intervention. I don't disagree, I just refuse to put yet another chemical in my system with no exit plan.  What's the exit plan? Tack on two more years of a drug withdrawal? I am not willing to do it. As long as my symptoms are not endangering my life, I am already backed into a serious corner chemically. I know it. No doctor really understands that, but people in the benzo community do.

I am a kindled case and someone with serious drug hypersensitivities. I have akathisia which is currently somewhat "controlled" on this disgusting cocktail. I feel heavy and like an oompa loompa. A far cry from my quick, active, fit self. My type A personality doesn't serve me now. My stubborness doesn't serve me either, I just don't know how to trust a medical professional when I know they only have more medicine in their toolbox. No medicine will remove withdrawal. It might mask it. It might improve functionality for a bit... but the ones that seem to heal the quickest are the ones that weren't saddled with 5 medications.

This is forcing me to SHOVE reality in my mouth no matter what that reality looks like.

I talked to a fellow person on the path and she asked me to join her to create a vision board. I like her suggestions. Has anyone created a vision board? It's painful because I want that vision NOW.  Hiking, parenting,  active, healthy, stylish, laughing, making dinner plans, working, playing. Playing. Music. Fun. Rollerblading, bike riding. I yearn for those days.

I also came across a blog of this woman that actually did taper klonopin and depakote and elavil and healed from lyme and sensitivities using DNRS. Her story is remarkable. We have the power to do this. One way or another the body heals. It does.