I feel like I'm living in an alternate universe. Maybe some version of hell, though I don't believe in that.
My symptoms go in cycles and today I practically woke up crying. It's the heavy, depression day which I welcome more than the akathisia terror filled day. These symptoms and my physical ones alternate: one day depression, one day terror. On and on with no reprieve YET.
I'm not sure why I feel so doomed, but I do.
I don't feel others are doomed oddly, but I do feel I am.
I feel my insides and I don't know how this is repaired. But I must trust voices like Baylissa's that tell me we do heal. This does come to an end.
I'm about 40 something days off benzos.
I woke up nauseas and crying and a depressed mess.
My kids are going to a party and I didn't even get an invite, my husband did.
I feel shut out, abandoned and in turn I hide away. I know my illness is invisible but I just don't understand how people can forget you, not call or check in or notice that something is wrong. I just would never treat others, especially those that are sick in this way.
He's off with the kids running around like a normal person. Doing banal things I only WISH I had the pleasure of doing: shopping for a birthday gift, running the kids to a haircut, running errands then a party.
I am finding it hard to leave the house.
It fills me with terror.
I don't want to leave, I feel in fact that I CANNOT leave.
I have an appointment to go to in an hour, so I know I must go out today.
But I feel so weepy, terrified. Chemical terror. Just unwell.
Baylissa recently wrote a post that said we are in our child ego state during this process. We are vulnerable, regressed even, to a state of helplessness and fear and dread. Or at least I am. Let me speak for myself.
She was writing brilliantly at the need to be very mindful at what you suggest, what you write or post because people are so very vulnerable in the community. What works for one, may not work for another. For example, I have found doing magnesium chloride soaks (taken from the magnesium advocacy group) very helpful for my myoclonus. Now, I realize that magnesium can be a HUGE trigger for others, and different forms of magnesium are in fact a trigger for me.
I'm sorry if these posts have been off putting or triggering. I am writing for myself however, and I need to tell my truth. I don't feel I can talk to anyone, even my therapist in this stream of consciousness kind of way. I think we all need to tell our truths, we all need to have someone bear witness to it, even if it's out in cyberspace.
I'm not triggered by much these days anymore. I've heard and seen so many horror stories, and uplifting ones too, I just don't know. I know how bad it can be and how draining this process is for caregivers as well as the sufferers.
So, back to how I'm missing my life...
I feel a blackness and a down that I have never felt.
I feel too scared to leave the house, though I must.
I want to see my life back again and it feels so so far away. I can only cling to some reprieve and some positive moments that I encounter along the way.
This is the ultimate experience in being present.
No past, no future. Just right now.
To the outside world it doesn't look like I'm doing much.
But on the inside I can tell you each moment is a fight. I mean a FIGHT.
I feel so helpless to help myself because the last two days I walked for about an hour and felt near seizure at night. Head pressure so so bad, head burning, Please FUCK what the hell is this. My symptoms are pretty terrifying and they don't feel on the normal spectrum of this syndrome.
It's gone on for over a year like this, in this level of intensity and I'm just wondering how much more I can do.
I feel left out of my life, and I am not even able to share with anyone but this page how lonely and disconnected I feel.
I just want it to end, and I want it to end well for all of us.
Someone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others. This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY.