I am lit up. And not in a good way. Maybe I should not continue this blog at the moment, I am in protracted. I am burning. I am not ok. I am very scared. My situation is unusual, or maybe not.
Everyone shakes their head and says " There is something else going on". I am in terror. I have used the Binaural beats all morning to try and soothe my nerves. I feel almost fucking catatonic. Trying to tell myself, this is temporary. This is a temporary state. But... what if this is it? I lay in bed earlier and felt, this could be it. I don't want it to be. I have my children to laugh and play at the park with, I have my husband to vacation with. I have shops and shoes and work and friends and people and places I long to see and travel to. Right now it all feels like a distant dream. A very distant dream in the despair and physical pain that I am in suddenly. My friend called and said, you need a plan. Just get the rest of the poison out of your body. Noone in the benzo business recommends detox. They would laugh at the amount I am on anyway but I am stuck. Yesterday was not quite as brutal. I went to the store. I even went on a walk. But today. Oh today. It's 2:33. I haven't left my house. I am in my pyjamas. I can barely speak. I am fatigued beyond words. I am moving from my couch to my bed. Listening to the binaural beats for hours in hopes of healing. I prayed out loud today, I prayed and prayed. Show me some mercy. This is too much suffering. It's just too too much. I hope this doesn't scare anyone. I don't think anyone is reading this at the moment anyway. I am writing for myself. For others in this hell. It's so strange. Something is off. I just don't know what. I am afraid my life will never look the same again. I am doing as I am told,... for once. Taking medication that is prescribed to me. Look where it got me. In the depths of hell. Dantes inferno.
Someone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others. This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY.