Lit up

I am lit up. And not in a good way. Maybe I should not continue this blog at the moment, I am in protracted. I am burning. I am not ok. I am very scared. My situation is unusual, or maybe not.
Everyone shakes their head and says " There is something else going on". I am in terror. I have used the Binaural beats all morning to try and soothe my nerves. I feel almost fucking catatonic. Trying to tell myself, this is temporary. This is a temporary state. But... what if this is it? I lay in bed earlier and felt, this could be it. I don't want it to be. I have my children to laugh and play at the park with, I have my husband to vacation with. I have shops and shoes and work and friends and people and places I long to see and travel to. Right now it all feels like a distant dream. A very distant dream in the despair and physical pain that I am in suddenly. My friend called and said, you need a plan. Just get the rest of the poison out of your body. Noone in the benzo business recommends detox. They would laugh at the amount I am on anyway but I am stuck. Yesterday was not quite as brutal. I went to the store. I even went on a walk. But today. Oh today. It's 2:33. I haven't left my house. I am in my pyjamas. I can barely speak. I am fatigued beyond words. I am moving from my couch to my bed. Listening to the binaural beats for hours in hopes of healing. I prayed out loud today, I prayed and prayed. Show me some mercy. This is too much suffering. It's just too too much. I hope this doesn't scare anyone. I don't think anyone is reading this at the moment anyway. I am writing for myself. For others in this hell. It's so strange. Something is off. I just don't know what. I am afraid my life will never look the same again. I am doing as I am told,... for once. Taking medication that is prescribed to me. Look where it got me. In the depths of hell. Dantes inferno.