I spoke too soon

Yesterday I spoke too soon. The akathesia set it, or rather a feeling that my head is lit up and keeps going up and up and up. My husband pet my head as I was asking god to make it stop already. Woke up with restlessness again today. It was time to do something. My doctor cautioned me again that I am doing more damage to my system staying in this state of distress. It is impossible. Being holed up in my room in restless agony. It is by far the most intense experience of my life. I know BB and others promote being med free. Honestly I would be in a hospital if I were med free right now. My first and only goal is to be benzo free. For some reason my nervous system doesn't want to let go of the poison no matter how badly my mind and body want to be free. I am determined. My doctor suggested I start back to the beginning at 5mg but I fucking REFUSE. I need to see this through. Going up down, up down won't help. However, I don't know how people live in akathesia for years. It is the MOTHER of all symptoms. It is a medical goddamn emergency. It causes suicide and homocide because the inner restlessness is too much to bear. But we have to remember, things will settle down. things will get better. When you are in it there is NO WAY to be positive when you have akathesia. Sorry. All this positivity goes out the window. I am frightened. Right now it comes and goes. I can still sit. There has been a time where I could not. I was pacing, siting, standing and could not get comfortable. We have to know that this will pass, I have decided to take adjunct meds Neurontin to help me get off this poison. For better or worse, it's my decision. I went from writhing in pain, barely able to walk, akathesia and blind terror to being able to sit and write this. Just from 300 mg of neurontin. My goal again is to be BENZO FREE. That is my goal. So if adjunct medications get me there temporarily, so be it. I know I will be judged but if you felt what I felt these last 17 days you'd take anything to make the pain go away. I had to do something. I had to.. It was life or death.