Hesitant to keep writing

I feel hesitant to keep writing. I want this to be an inspirational blog not a morbid one. I wanted positivity and coping tools to shine through. I wanted to glide off this poisonous medication and say, "See, If I can do it, you can too". I don't know anymore. Crushing depression alternating with inner restlessness/akathesia. I prefer the down, depressing feelings though they are completely foreign to me having never been a depressive. I love life yet now if I manage to get out I feel tons of envy towards people in good health. People able to sit still. People able to focus, organize their thinking, concentrate, laugh, not have a well of symptoms that interrupt their functioning. And I am not even OFF YET. That's the scary part. If this was as BAD as it would get, with the help of this damn neurontin I could manage. Several weeks ago, I couldn't manage the pain. The pain was 100 on a scale of 1-10. I am not exaggerating. People before my have walked this path. They have gotten through it. I wonder if I am strong enough, I really do wonder. I went to an idiot neurologist yesterday as asked to by my doctor. It wasn't helpful as usual. I won't even go into the details, but they know nothing about akathesia. Or they know something about it but don't know what to do about it. Time. Time. Time. Time.
I am going to a recovery meeting tonight if I can. It's sort of ridiculous but I am going. I wish I was built like a tank like those guys. They can guzzle anything and be good in a week or two. Iatrogenic injury is much different. Misunderstood. Hidden. Not talked about. Going to rest now. Like I said, I hesitate writing.
My friend wants me to ask a guru in India to do a black magic ceremony to cure me of this. Ha. Whatever works. Whatever works I say........but let's stay grounded in reality. One. Moment. At. A. Time. Everything is temporary. This body is temporary. This experience. My life as I knew it. I want to go back and rewind the clocks so badly. So badly. Never take for granted a single moment you can SIT STILL. Just sitting down. Being still in your body. A pain free body that isn't exploding on fire.  The bliss of that.