Hello Blog

Hello Blog....

It's been a long while since I have checked in.
I know everyone wants a happy ending, but in benzo withdrawal, at least for some, that ending doesn't come for a long time. I'm worried it won't ever come.
I tried a new tactic. Stop focusing on obsessive medical research and tirelessly looking for answers. Do your day, and see what happens.
Well, I can't say the results have been way different.
My CNS is fried. Bottom line. Every day I'm frying, It's scary. 
I'm down to .04 valium. Yes, you heard right.... the ridiculousness of it doesn't escape me.
But I'm petrified. I'm petrified that my living hell could actually get... WORSE.
Here's a list of my symptoms from order of importance:
akathisa
Brain literally burning
Stabbing especially in chest and brain
Burning body
Head pressure
Anger issues
Impulsivity issues
Confusion
Chemical terror/Chemical anxiety
Myoclonus
Shoulder tics at night 
Jerking arms torso and head shifting to the side as I am falling asleep
Legs pointing back arching ---quick seizure like movements
Some of these symptoms are so hard to even put into words because there really is no framework for this kind of physical breakdown.
In my 40 something years on this planet, I have just NEVER experienced anything like it.
I am beginning to really think something is terribly wrong, but I feel like either my heart will just give out or I'll start to heal once I get off. 
I hate to say it but I think I fall outside the normal range of benzo withdrawal at this point. So if you are reading this, don't despair because I have yet to hear others with such a badly bruised CNS even on the internet. 
That's why, despite my inclination, I am doing more medical digging.
Tomorrow I'm heading into a nerve conduction study and I'll keep you posted.
The neurologist had wanted me evaluated for some rare autoimmune encephilitis issues and I had the blood work done weeks ago. If they come back negative she will be sending tests for even rarer antibodies.
Sadly there have been two cases on BB that I have read about where AE did come about either after withdrawal or the symptoms and problem came on before but weren't diagnosed until they got hideously bad in withdrawal.
Regardless, that is my medical update.
I'm SO SICK of being a professional patient, I cannot even begin to tell you how envious I am of WORKING CENTRAL NERVOUS SYSTEMS.
I barely knew what a central nervous system WAS before this bullshit.
Bottom Line--just SAY FREAKING NOOOOOO.
And doctors are DRUG DEALERS.
That's it folks....