I ain't graceful at the moment.
My temper is short.
I feel fatigued beyond comprehension.
My chest is killing me.
Lifting my arms feels like a challenge.
I feel like whatever the lesson is here, I have mastered it, now let me out of this prison. This is a chemical mind fucking prison. No two ways about it.
Not so fast the benzos say....We ain't letting you out of prison yet.
I joined my husband in a car ride to the vet to get a check up for my little pup. The minute I got in the car and we headed down our hill I thought, let me out of this car. I can't do this. Same thing happened yesterday when I went to my son's school. In my mind I can do these things, as these are things I have always done. But now, I want out. Out of everywhere, namely my body and mind.
There is no escape. Moments, during sleep. I pray for night each morning because the days feel relentless and torture. Some days there are little tiny eensy weensy windows. Like two days ago when I took my son to Target. These coincide with hormonal fluctuations I am sure. Ovulation=relief and then the steady decline of progesterone leaves me struggling for the remainder of the month.
I have been trying to get an appointment now at the seizure clinic for over 3 weeks. It's hard to realize that you really aren't taken care of--certainly not by doctors and not by the medical establishment. No one really can help and getting into specialized clinics takes a fight beyond what I have right now.
Last night I was shocked in severe chest pain. There was a moment I thought. maybe I need to go to urgent care or a hospital. But I refused. I do not want to die but I no longer trust the doctors or hospitals or much of medical care. I am done. I will wait it out at home until I cannot. That is my messy plan. I need to find an alternate place to live, or be, when my symptoms become so dire that I will not be able to take the laughing, crying, whining in this home. My startle response goes up at sounds of people, places and things. I need a very dark, warm cave.
I read on Holly Hardman's As Prescribed page of some English bloke that won a 1.5 million pound lawsuit due to being prescribed these meds and being harmed. He was someone in the up and up in England, and I think it would be nice if he donated it to all to the folks on benzo buddies. Folks that actually NEED the money and are getting squat for their suffering and are going through this with zero support or care. It wouldn't be possible. We all deserve compensation for being led to believe these medications are safe and easy to discontinue. I personally was never told of their dangers, was not told how to discontinue and never used daily. And yet my body still got hooked and my cns has been severely injured.
So, I know my posts are getting darker and darker possibly as the tapering is going and going on and this ride becomes endless. Hold or continue? That is the eternal question. I am going to continue in several weeks. Can I handle the symptoms getting worse? No, I don't feel I can, but I have no choice. The pain. Holy sweet mother of god.
I. Just. Want. This. To. End. Now.
But it's been the underlying akathisia that makes this so unbearable. So hard to sit, or do, or think or go anywhere, hard to wait in line, or talk to others, or communicate. I feel safest in my car when it's stationary and in my home. It's like a cocoon. I was never one to like safety. I loved traveling to distant places, meeting and talking with new people, going on adventures. I have been this way since I was a kid. Despite my "underyling" anxiety, I thrived on new and exciting experiences, workshops, movies, places, people. Now, talking feels like an effort. I am angered very quickly, especially by doctors or the thought of going into a new doctor's office, or anywhere where I will feel dismissed. I swear I feel like that woman on Housewives of New Jersey when she flipped a table.
I talked to my recovery sponsor and he said enough is enough, you have wasted a year (so true) just go to detox and get this done. He said there is no sense comparing my situation to his (he was better within a month getting off benzo and worked and functioned throughout) and no sense in comparing with anyone else on line, in real life or anywhere. He is right.
Each of our situations is unique to us. We search and search in desperation for someone who had a path like ours, but no two people are the same. No one. The only thing we can do is let go and let god, as they say. Keep moving, sitting, resting, pacing, whatever it is.... one more day, one more hour is closer to healing, so they say.
I just started listening to DNRS (Annie Hopper's program) again. It bores me to tears but it's been responsible for changing many people's lives (granted it won't do anything to upregulate GABA but it certainly can't hurt in PAWS. I recommend it.
I will do this again tonight
Chest pain dissipated last night, It's here but not to the same extreme that made it hard to breathe.
My dog is ok for now! woohoo!
Sleep is still ok due to gabapentin and remeron. Drug sleep. Nasty nasty drug sleep. But better than no sleep.
Will continue to decrease benzo because I just have no choice... I don't think I have a choice.
Praying for everyone and myself to be released from this prison. Hands down the most difficult challenge of my entire life. I hear others describe this in the exact same way. Listen up docs, Listen up prescribers. Listen up friends and families. Warn others. Talk, talk talk and let others know.
Someone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others. This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY.