Equanimity

Today I went to a Buddhist inspired meeting and we meditated on equanimity
​Before we got started I asked , " what exactly does equanimity mean?" for the umpteenth time. Somehow I remember then forget the definition over and over and over again.
​This word couldn't be more fitting for those that find themselves in benzo w/d or any challenging situation for that matter, be it divorce, loss, illness, financial stress, mental or spiritual issues..
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During my meditation I was almost writhing in pain/burning in my chest.. Severe burning through my throat and chest-a feeling that I was lit on fire, my nerves raw and exposed. All of my historical issues came up as people shared their stories of pain, heavy heartedness and inspiration. Didn't I work through this shit already? Aren't I done with it? I know this benzo situation is magnifying even the smallest injury or wounding or feeling. Everything is out of proportion. Even though my logical mind can say, big fucking deal to the feeling, my body just goes ballistic on fire. It's quite an experience to witness. I kept breathing, rocking back and forth trying to settle into a rhythm to make the pain go away. Questions popped up--should I go to detox? This tapering bullshit isn't working. Maybe I should just surrender now and go get help.  Am I creating this sensation from my stressful thoughts (yes!), Will this ever end? No, this is going to burn and torture me forever and ever and ever isn't it? Can't people see the pain I am in? On and on, my monkey mind chattered away. Until a moment where I just sat with the burning, just let it be there. Here it is. Here you are. I am not going to try to fix, change or control you. I can't say I am happy to meet you you fucking burning bastard but ok, here you are and here I am and I can just witness it. I just want to move past this dark night and this phase in my life. but who knows how and when it will be lifted. I have to keep showing up and doing my part and let go of the results.

 My mentor spoke and said what he wanted was peace when he was confronted with death. That is what I have always wanted. A sense of peace no matter what life brings you, no matter what it brings.. I tried to keep calm and carry on. Guess what? I got home and the burning lifted. Everything is temporary. Everything passes. I don't know why or how but something shifted and lifted even the smallest bit and I was grateful.