Benzo breakthrough
  • Home
  • Blog
  • Resources
  • Home
  • Blog
  • Resources

Equanimity

6/22/2016

0 Comments

 
Picture
Today I went to a Buddhist inspired meeting and we meditated on equanimity
​Before we got started I asked , " what exactly does equanimity mean?" for the umpteenth time. Somehow I remember then forget the definition over and over and over again.
​This word couldn't be more fitting for those that find themselves in benzo w/d or any challenging situation for that matter, be it divorce, loss, illness, financial stress, mental or spiritual issues..
​
During my meditation I was almost writhing in pain/burning in my chest.. Severe burning through my throat and chest-a feeling that I was lit on fire, my nerves raw and exposed. All of my historical issues came up as people shared their stories of pain, heavy heartedness and inspiration. Didn't I work through this shit already? Aren't I done with it? I know this benzo situation is magnifying even the smallest injury or wounding or feeling. Everything is out of proportion. Even though my logical mind can say, big fucking deal to the feeling, my body just goes ballistic on fire. It's quite an experience to witness. I kept breathing, rocking back and forth trying to settle into a rhythm to make the pain go away. Questions popped up--should I go to detox? This tapering bullshit isn't working. Maybe I should just surrender now and go get help.  Am I creating this sensation from my stressful thoughts (yes!), Will this ever end? No, this is going to burn and torture me forever and ever and ever isn't it? Can't people see the pain I am in? On and on, my monkey mind chattered away. Until a moment where I just sat with the burning, just let it be there. Here it is. Here you are. I am not going to try to fix, change or control you. I can't say I am happy to meet you you fucking burning bastard but ok, here you are and here I am and I can just witness it. I just want to move past this dark night and this phase in my life. but who knows how and when it will be lifted. I have to keep showing up and doing my part and let go of the results.

 My mentor spoke and said what he wanted was peace when he was confronted with death. That is what I have always wanted. A sense of peace no matter what life brings you, no matter what it brings.. I tried to keep calm and carry on. Guess what? I got home and the burning lifted. Everything is temporary. Everything passes. I don't know why or how but something shifted and lifted even the smallest bit and I was grateful.
0 Comments



Leave a Reply.

    Author

    Someone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others.  This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY.

    Archives

    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016

    Categories

    All
    AKATHISIA
    Beauty
    BENZO BUDDIES
    Benzo Withdrawal
    DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL
    Death
    Distraction
    Dopamine Rush
    EXERCISE
    FAMILY
    FUN
    GRATITUDE
    HEALING
    HELP
    Isolation
    Kundalini Awakening
    LAUGHTER
    Life
    LONELINESS
    Neural Retraining
    NUTRITION
    Parenting
    Positivity
    Recovery
    Relationships
    RETRAINING THE BRAIN
    TRAUMA
    Travel

    RSS Feed