Ebbs and Flows

The ebbs and flows of this process are quite unpredictable. I really shouldn't even be writing this late as yesterdays posting and computer time kept me up past 2am buzzing with head pressure and that lit up bulb feeling. It was awful.

I did manage to fall asleep thankfully at some point, who knows. Now that I am not working, and I generally don't have to get my kids ready in the morning I don't fret so much about being unable to sleep until 2, 3, sometimes 5am. This doesn't happen always and I really do need to take responsibility for my part in this. Each day I say " Ok, no more electronics past 9 pm" and each day this commitment is broken.

Why?

Because for some odd reason I seem to feel a little better late in the night. Very up and not 'normal', I would say it's 'painfully up" but still.. it's less suffering.

I woke up with a lot of struggle. A lot of sx, I won't mention here. There was a definite ebb and flow. Sadness, physical pain, terror, severe burning in my chest and throat (that is what accompanies the terror).

I went to a friend's house to get away from the busy-ness of my small home. I sat in her guesthouse with her instruction. She said, "don't think, just watch some TV".

I tried, I swear I did. I flipped through channels--Housewives of Atlanta, CNN, House Hunters, and clicked rapidly through the channels not able to rest long enough on one. 

I can't watch TV now. I couldn't settle and I couldn't focus. I couldn't relate to anything or anyone on TV. People in stylish clothes, complaining about stupid petty things, politics, discussing the flooring or kitchen cabinets. None of it made sense to me and none of it matters.  

My chest was in agony and all I could do was lay down with my hands on my stomach and do deep belly breaths.  After five minutes of this, I left the room shaking and my teeth were chattering. I decided it was time to come home.

Here, suddenly there was a shift. The chest raw throat thing subsided (it basically feels like my insides are RAW and sunburned) for a moment and I felt better.
These ebbs and flows seem to have no rhyme or reason. When the pain comes on (and recently it was 24/7 with no let up) I will do my best to breathe very very deeply. In those moments of terror I cannot stand up, I cannot make a sandwich, I cannot do anything. 

Then it goes...And back again. Remember, I am still ON a benzo. I am not off yet. That's the real worry for me.

A psychiatrist I called gave me a call late tonight. I asked him if he knew about akathisia and if he believed in benzo withdrawal and protracted benzo withdrawal. He essentially said NO.
He said "I believe your symptoms but we may have differing views about the origins of your symptoms". And he was 600 dollars for 90 minutes. Moving on.....

He also said "all psychiatrists cause akathisia and we see it on a weekly basis in our practice" Ugh. Then why don't you look at what the fuck you are prescribing to people!!

On a positive note, a colleague is involved in essential oils and will be coming to my house to show me some options that can help with de-stressing  that are simple, safe and pleasant.
I know it's not a cure-all but maybe it can provide relief or at least some good vibes.
We can all use some!