Ok let me start with the good. Yesterday was a window, I mean compared to the two prior days. I got out and walked. I kept saying to myself I want to live, I want to live, I love life. as I walked and walked. The two prior days I was in white knuckle terror. My hair is coming out in clumps, I am really at a place where I wonder CAN I DO THIS? I MUST.
I am holding at this 1mg mark. I am considering going into a hospital for this last bit or at this point restarting my taper because holding for this month has done ZERO to stabilize me.
I am doing little things for myself. Every second I instruct myself on the next task at hand. Ok... get up and take a shower. Ok, give your kids a bath (can barely be still for any of it). Ok, get out the door. Eat your lunch. Chug that green juice down.
I am getting worn down. I can't stand looking at happy pictures of myself. It all feels so far away and so out of reach at the moment.
I know. I am a lightweight I guess. I thought I had a high tolerance for pain. But I am in terror most of the day. This feels impossible. I really would kill for the fatigue people talk about over this terror. This goddamn TERROR over NOTHING. It just accompanies me throughout the day without a break. I managed to deep breath and get into somewhat of a relaxed state using meditation ( I am not able to do a sitting practice now so am doing it lying down). Every second is an attempt at survival. I mean what would I do if I were a prisoner of war? I would have to DEAL. This is like being in a torture chamber of your body 24/7. It literally HURTS. But I know it could be worse, much worse. God doesn't give us what we can't handle huh? I am not so sure about that.
Today I listened to bineural beats and also guided meditations for recovery.
I will attach their links.
I still hesitate to write until I can write more optimistic posts and tell you which way I have decided to go.
I feel very hopeless to be honest. I don't know if I have the fortitude that Baylissa and Jennifer Leigh have. However, the thought of going back on these medications for life seems horrid too. I mean I will NEVER have a full life on them and I will never be me. But the pain. The inner torture and torment is intense. How long and is it possible to heal this?
Today my little one looked up at my husband as I paced around the house and said "Why is Mommy sick for so long and maybe she will be sick forever"
God, This is breaking my heart. Every piece of it is shattered and yet I can't feel or connect to anything but my own consuming suffering at them moment. I am self absorbed to the upteenth power. Self consumed with terror, akathesia restlessness and all that great benzo stuff. Today add in back pain to the mix, hair loss and acne. Hooray for looking and feeling sexy. Right now I am willing to give everything in my house away to make this pain STOP. Just stop.
It's hard to believe one month ago I was doing ok. I thought I was out of the woods and was going to proceed with caution down on my taper. I don't know what I did wrong, Maybe nothing. Maybe I am just unlucky with this. I regret reinstating one year ago when I fast tapered. Others have walked this path. They have. I always think I am the WORST case, noone is suffering 24/7 but they have and they are and they have made it through.
Good news: I am not bedridden. My problem is too much energy, not lack of. I kind of feel wired and sooooo tired at the same time. I hope a string of windows are around the corner. I gotta get off this last bit. I thought it would be smooth to avoid a crash landing but it doesn't look that way at all. It feels unmanageable and yet where do I go where they won't make it WORSE. I don't want to wake up in a nasty hospital or a clueless rehab at 6am to go to meetings and sleep (or not sleep) in a foreign bed. If I thought it would help to go somewhere I would. But where?
All my attempts at distraction have not worked sadly.
I watched about two minutes of a movie but started becoming jealous that the actors weren't in benzo withdrawal.
I think I should probably cool it on the online entries until I have something useful or helpful to write. :( Sorry Guys. The struggle is REAL.
Someone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others. This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY.