December 16th, 2016

'I woke up (well did I even sleep? barely) to the screaming and crying and shitting hysteria of my son. Another calming day for my CNS.

Of course when he awoke last night shitting his brains out and got sick one day post flu shot the doctor denied any correlation. She sarcastically said, "the vaccine is a dead virus and it can't spontaneously put itself back together and walk around like a zombie". Does she know I have benzo rage at the moment? Does she realize? Lucky for her I hung up quickly but I wanted to reach into the phone and strangle her. This was after she confidently told me my son must have picked up the Noro virus at the office and we likely would be getting it in 24-48 hours because "It's very very contagious".

Lovely. 

This is the same woman who told me my children absolutely did not have strep last year and when I assured her it was..who was right? ME. You say change doctors? I might, but right now I cannot even deal with anything. She takes our insurance and we go to her and her colleague as little as possible.

Doctors are the queens and kings of denial. If they haven't read it in their textbooks, nope, it's psychosomatic. If they haven't seen it in their office before, well, you are just having an allergic reaction. 

I read a report on gabapentin on pub med that said they did a "slow one week taper" of gabapentin on an elderly woman and when she went batshit crazy after 5 years being on the drug they were in dismay! It must be the faulty genes of the patient! It must be such an anomaly that they had to write a report about it? I just about spit out the food I was eating when I read that report to laugh.  JUST. ABSURD. 

A one week breather and trying to regain stability to finish the last leg of my taper. 
Is god on my side? Not so sure. Why is the world as I know it collapsing? The world I worked hard for over 16 years to create and build and fight for. Everything.  So many in this fight are in similar positions and I am just sick of it. Sick of the denial, the excuses and being marginalized and discarded. 

I don't believe a word any doctors say anymore. This isn't a doctor bashing site but I just DO NOT. There are good guys out there for sure. Brilliant minds and healers. I know that. If you know a good guy--a benzo wise good guy post them here!! We need smart, saavy docs that understand this and more. Not arrogant, know it all doctors that deny this and more.

Before you judge me for giving the vaccine to my son (as I know this is a heated topic in itself) the ONLY reason I had everyone in my house vaccinated is because I cannot tolerate anything at the moment and couldn't have my kids bringing home the flu. I have already been through the ringer with my health since August. Climbing out of it.  The flu will take me down. Apparently, it still might. Let go, and let god. I have to surrender. All I can do is put one foot in front of the other and make the best decisions I know how to make in the moment. And they clearly aren't always good or wise or thought out.

Positives:

Ate about 4 cloves of garlic yukky! for viral health. My older one agreed to join me.
comforted my little one. to the best of my ability. Didn't succeed but tried nonetheless. 
writing
made my bed
reached out to my neighbor 
will be walking and pacing shortly
drank a green juice
made myself breakfast

Wishing everyone happier days ahead. Just have to get throug the winter and back into sunnier days.