I've been trying to work more and it's making me bone tired. Not just tired but physically depleted. My asthma has kicked in high gear today or air hunger or whatever you want to call it, and that never feels good. It's possible that my chinese food today had MSG despite me asking them if they cooked with it. Anyhow, what is done is done. Tomorrow is a new freaking bright and shiny day. Right?
I literally feel like I am a healthy person trapped inside a damaged body. I get out of the gate really strong once I am up from my dead drug sleep and then hit a wall by the end of the day. It's so hard to describe this phenomenon. I wish words would do it justice.
Last night I tossed and turned and tossed and turned. I know stress does a number on us in this. I really wish I had another several years to lie in bed and heal. But I don't. I have to try to take care of my children and do the bare minimum to survive. I just can't lie in bed and watch movies--although believe me no day is fun in withdrawal. But knowing you have an entire day ahead of you that you know you can't handle isn't fun either.
And the tricky part is that everyone says--- ohhh you look good! Oh you're fine. Or they say nothing and assume you had had a nervous breakdown and now you're fucking over it. Bullshit is all I have to say.
I was watching an old man cross the street today while I was waiting at a stop light. He looked happy enough. He looked like he was enjoying his retirement years. Maybe he was on his way to complete some mundane task or maybe he was on his way to freaking Yogurtland. I don't know. But regardless I remember saying to myself-- that guy looks so happy. He looks so at ease. Then I paused and caught myself. You NEVER know what someone is going through. Unless someone has their eyeballs falling out of their sockets or are in a wheelchair we just DO NOT KNOW what it is like to walk in another person's shoes. We don't know what their internal experience is like. What it feels like in their bodies day in day out. I know I hide it SO well. I am practiced at this. Practiced.
I don't talk about it that much except with my benzo people because who wants to hear this anyway, including myself. I'm tired of it all. It's been 3 years and counting.
Next Tuesday will be 9 months off.
One down, two poisons to go and a battered like hell CNS.
And all I want to do is sleep. Except we know that's the one thing that eludes us each and every damn day.
12/26/2018 12:51:12 am
1/11/2019 01:00:00 pm
I skimmed your story. I know your story. After 18 months of hell on valium taper and down under 1mg/day, I was unable to continue, freaked out, in pain, missing important appointments and commitments. I discovered through a counselor - Point Of Return.com I was not metabolizing Valium at a sufficient (normal) speed. I corroborated that discovery through GeneSight.com - a service I HIGHLY recommend. I switched immediately to Klonopin which I can metabolize and it's been smooth sailing tapering off ever since. Too few people (I've been to 6 doctors are aware of which Benzos they are compatible with. It's not the amount you're on that's hard to deal with, it's whether you can metabolize the Benzo you choose to use to taper. Simple, mind boggling. Please, please, please...all those suffering this curse check out non-profit Point Of Return.com (and GeneSight lab) for the best counseling on the planet. These are the lights at the tunnel's end. Trust me. Good luck.
1/28/2019 10:58:35 am
Hal, were u a slow or rapid metabolizer? It says I’m intermediate for both kolonopin and Valium.....what does that mean?
1/27/2019 12:06:54 am
I'm struggling through low-dose Valium withdrawal using NAD+ therapy. It is amazingly effective and would have worked by now, except that my issues have primarily been with furious kundalini syndrome that has derailed all my previous attempts to withdraw and is making this one exceptionally complicated.
4/28/2019 06:41:30 pm
Please email me if u can. I’ve been going through all the stuff you mention on your blogs and could use a support person. I’m a year off, 3 kids, not functioning well. Was a nurse and unable to work.
Sophie Van Buuren
7/12/2019 09:45:47 pm
Just came across your blog and it is comforting to read what I’m experiencing isn’t unique to me. I too was diagnosed with Interstitial Cystitis in my early twenties and given 10 mg valium suppositories. I graduated law school and clerked for a federal judge the next two years. Btw 2015 and 2019, I had four major surgeries and was raped. I’ve been taking either ativan or xanax regularly. Sometimes the anxiety is so bad I run out early and have to make it 5-7 days without benOs. It’s weird because I can stop the valium CT w/no sx, can stop the xanax if I self-taper woth minimum side effects, but ativan is the most ruthless to come off of (and I have only been prescribed max .5 mg xanax 2/day and 1 mg ativan once a day, never simultaneously. I experience major insomnia, the feeling that bugs are crawling under my skin, and extreme anxiety driving. I took my last 10 mg valium suppository last night, and can’t fill my xanax rx til I’m back in my hometown in 5 days. I bought a magnesium supplement at GNC as well as some chewable capsules (Genexa stress relief) which contain all homeopathic ingredients. I think I may be overthinking it...sometimes I can make it fine (especially if I have edibles, cbd, and/or gabapentin), but other times I have 5-10 panic attacks a day. As a lawyer and speaker of 3 languages who had no issues getting off of 10 mg oxy after back surgery, I never knew how easy it was to get hooked on benzos. Is there light at the end of the tunnel?! Sending healing vibes. xx
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Someone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others. This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY.