I talked to an old therapist yesterday who told me I need to sit on the couch and watch TV and eat Bon Bons. Do nothing. Think nothing. Write nothing. Say nothing. Just be. Noone understands benzo withdrawal if they haven't been through it. I can't even sit or lie down,. The burning terror I feel is too much. Too much. I am scared I am hitting acute even before I have jumped. Slammed at 1mg of valium. Doctors applaud me for getting to 1mg valium, but what is the applause for? I feel like I have been having a string of bad luck. Like things going from bad to worse. And they all involve doctors and medication and tests. Trying to stay out of the doctors office as they have ZERO to offer except medications. However I am on an adjunct medication remeron to help and tried gabapentin two days ago because I have been writhing in chest pain. My chest wall, my chest feels like it is in a permanent state of shock. This is not good for me or my body. Others descibe this to a T.
My sponsor says the more I focus on the physical symptoms the more they will persist. That is true. But I don't feel like I can function. One week ago I laughed and walked along the beach. I mean I wasn't "good" but it was ok. Since then the prickling, pain, night sweats, pounding heart has taken over. I am really scared. I am really not ok.
What did I do to deserve this?
I listened to an idiot doctor. " You aren't an addict, you need to sleep". I said " No, no I am scared to try anything new".
He said " It's ok we will deal with you getting off after"
It is the past. It is the past. Nothing we can do to change it.
This is meant to be. Right? There is a purpose? Right? Why am I suffering so? Did I bring this on myself?
I am wondering if I have brought this on myself.
When I mention valium to others, they dismiss it--ohh it cannot be that.
Ohhh yes, it can my friend. Oh yes, it can.
Are all the people on BB lying?
Making this up?
I understand there is a part that has to do with our thoughts, feelings and actions. That is all very well and good when I was feeling well enough. Yesterday even sitting still for meditation brought up immense burning and pain. Suffering.
This stress response is too much to bear. I am afraid that my already altered immune system won't be able to take anymore.
My children sit and laugh, they watch TV and I give them a cuddle. I want to be close to them so badly. But I am so far away.
I am not me. I can't reach me. I was outside with neighbors pretending to look normal when I am fighting this burning. Fighting the terror. I can't reach her. I can't reach me anymore.
I am so scared. I am so tired of this struggle and it is only beginning.
Maybe there is no sense in writing. It's so dark and sad.
I was told by a healer in India there is black magic upon me--he said he is clearing it Yahooo. Please do. I feel I have really gone from bad to worse these last 3 years. Something is amiss. Something needs to change. Give me a chance. I am too sick to do anything at the moment except survive once minute at a time.
There are so many people stronger than me.
My soul is strong even though my body is not. After this is over, I probably will never want to look at this again.
This is your body healing.
This is your body healing.
One more day is closer to healing completely and fully.
I believe Baylissa. I believe Jennifer Leigh. I have to. I have to invest in the stories of success. The stories of triumph. Even from the depths of hell that I am in right now.
Someone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others. This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY.