I am lit up. And not in a good way. Maybe I should not continue this blog at the moment, I am in protracted. I am burning. I am not ok. I am very scared. My situation is unusual, or maybe not.
Everyone shakes their head and says " There is something else going on". I am in terror. I have used the Binaural beats all morning to try and soothe my nerves. I feel almost fucking catatonic. Trying to tell myself, this is temporary. This is a temporary state. But... what if this is it? I lay in bed earlier and felt, this could be it. I don't want it to be. I have my children to laugh and play at the park with, I have my husband to vacation with. I have shops and shoes and work and friends and people and places I long to see and travel to. Right now it all feels like a distant dream. A very distant dream in the despair and physical pain that I am in suddenly. My friend called and said, you need a plan. Just get the rest of the poison out of your body. Noone in the benzo business recommends detox. They would laugh at the amount I am on anyway but I am stuck. Yesterday was not quite as brutal. I went to the store. I even went on a walk. But today. Oh today. It's 2:33. I haven't left my house. I am in my pyjamas. I can barely speak. I am fatigued beyond words. I am moving from my couch to my bed. Listening to the binaural beats for hours in hopes of healing. I prayed out loud today, I prayed and prayed. Show me some mercy. This is too much suffering. It's just too too much. I hope this doesn't scare anyone. I don't think anyone is reading this at the moment anyway. I am writing for myself. For others in this hell. It's so strange. Something is off. I just don't know what. I am afraid my life will never look the same again. I am doing as I am told,... for once. Taking medication that is prescribed to me. Look where it got me. In the depths of hell. Dantes inferno.
I am a terrible patient. I was told to take the GP consistently but I thought, hey, let me try to skimp on the dose and see if I can get away with it. After all I want to be MED free don't I. Well, that experiment didn't work. I was feeling heavy and sedated--which in benzo w/d is a GOOD THING but I decided to fuck with the program as I am apt to do and thought, hey, let me skip my afternoon dose. WRONG. In terror again by night. It's chemical anxiety. It's physical. I feel restless, agitated. I read a wonderful piece on Akathesia written by a guy on the internet named Jay Lamb. It was funny. It was painful. And it was accurate when he said it's the MOTHER OF ALL SYMPTOMS. Per his nutritional experiment and suggestion I furiously got in the car in search of pistachio nuts, almonds and cashews and ate them like a lunatic in the car. PLEASE. MAKE. THIS. STOP.
Well, it didn't really work. I mean I could be worse at the moment, just feel that inner restlessness that I experience as AGONY.
Tomorrow, for fuck sake I am going to stick to the dose recommended and stick to the plan. I gotta take this other poison to get off the BIG poison.
In times like these when I feel this agitated, I think, NO WAY I can survive this. I know many have. And Jay Lamb whoever you are, you sound amazing. You sound like a go-getter, a fighter.. I like your sense of humor. But when I am like this I just want to say, enough, stop this fucking experiment, put me in a goddamn coma for the next six months and let me come out of this HEALED.
I don't know if I have the physical or mental fortitude.
Baylissa Frederick said to me the other day that she feels we are not given more than we can handle. Ok. In theory I agree. But, this my friends is MORE THAN I CAN HANDLE.
I am an anxious person by nature I told her. How the fuck am I going to survive Benzo w/d?
The fucking pain, physical mainly that I feel, the terror, the burning --it feels like too much universe. Universe/Angels/ Someone up there show me a goddamn sign that this is going to come to a pretty neat end.... and I don't mean death. I am ready for life. I am ready to be back in the world of the living. Come on already. I can't breathe through this. I can't meditate my way out of this. I want to curl up and sleep my way out of it, but we all know that ain't gonna happen either in withdrawal is it.
Lesson learned: Take medication as directed with one goal in mind.
Sprinkle lavendar on my pillow.
Try to not obsessively look online for remedies ( I found one that mentions Vitamin B6 can help with akathesia! so I texted my doc to see if that's indicated at the moment)
When I have to do something like empty the dishwasher in this state I have to keep giving myself very slow careful directions. Ok.. Take dish out, put in cupboard, next dish, breathe, forks and knives, no don't stab yourself like you want to, just keep moving. Like Loretta said, Use it. Use the restlessness. God fuck this shit already I am sorry.
I called a friend who I haven't talked with in a while. I asked her if she thought I would be ok, If I would be me again. She said, " I honestly don't know, this has been going on for such a long time". That scares me. The thought that this is the new normal. Or that I have to go through years of terror to get to normal, if that is even possible. I feel like a failure that I had to take neurontin. It has saved me these last couple of days in that I feel somewhat sedated and it cools the burn and terror underneath. But I feel so uneasy. So much PTSD. And all of these questions--why is this so hard and why am I having such an intense reaction. I no longer feel part of the world. Walking around in terror that builds and build and builds. Its boring. I just want my brain to work properly and get off this poison. I am not saying anything new or productive, It's a rollercoaster, I am sorry.
One moment at a time I am telling myself.
This didn't happen overnight and it won't be solved overnight.
I am too tired to contemplate what this means for my family. Loss of income, loss of self, and loss of perspective at the moment. I am beaten down. I won't lie Where has my positivity gone? Jennifer Leigh PsyD writes that she thought her positivity would help in this process....once she cold turkeyed she said she was WRONG. It didn't help because the agony was so great.
But I have to remember I am blessed to have a better day today...free of the immense jaw dropping terror that left me bedridden. Free of that inner restlessness that tortures your soul.
Healing is happening each and every day in every way. The body and brain will heal. One day.
11:11 -Make a wish
I wish for peace and health for everyone on this journey and others
I am fighting hard
I am not doing well.
The days are going by holding this dose for dear life... terror, anxiety. joint pain, nerve pain, TERROR. burning. restlessness
I am supposed to go to do a biofeedback session today.
I honestly don't think I am well enough to even drive. I am fighting so hard
Healing is happening though. I am going to find my way out of this dark tunnel.
Put the restlessness to work
I cleaned the room
I emptied the dishwasher
I am grateful the restlessness is diminishing
I cuddled my sick boy
I just wrote a whole post that was deleted. I hate feeling like I am not myself. I hate feeling lost on this journey. I started gabapentin reluctantly. I had no choice. It was a matter of life or death it seemed.
I was in PURE AGONY. I could not sit still, I could only moan in pain because of the inner restlessness, the nerve burning the whole body burning. I couldn't endure it. It was the blind terror and restlessness that did it. I needed a way to function even ever so limited. It's a means to an END I am telling myself. A means to an end. The main goal is getting off of a BENZO. Period. If I am on gabapentin for a couple of months or remeron so be it. I don't think we should fear other medications if they bring our quality of life back. I was holed up in my room for 17 days in agony. I was going to enter a hospital. I could barely eat or sleep. My heart was flip flopping like a fish and I was posting desperately on BB. I was tiring everyone out. I was trying to be hardcore, trying to endure but I wasn't going to make it. Look, that's just me. I have a protracted withdrawal. I just do. I have intense physical symptoms that then cause mental anguish. I said if the physical symptoms would lift tomorrow I would go off merrily on my way. I worry about things--my stomach, my heart, my children, my marriage., money, if I am really going to make it through this.
I feel the escalation and intense energy within me. It's very frightening to feel you have no control of your body. To feel the craziness of AKATHESIA. And the mind. My mind. I am using THOUGHT STOPPING to say STOP STOP STOP every time a fearful thought comes in. Be in full acceptance. FULL ACCEPTANCE OF YOUR SYMPTOMS.
I have to believe there is a light at the end of this... where is that light? I am searching for it.
Things I will do today:
Drink green juice.
Eat sardines (YUKKK) for the OMEGAS without having to take supplements
Paint my own nails
Make my bed
Make my kids beds :)
Distract (hard with restlessness)
Pray-for myself and others
Lend a hand to others and reach one out
Read this and http://www.awakeninthedream.com/
He talks about Spiritual Emergence and the kundalini experience. A shamanistic initiation..... Last couple of weeks I lost perspective on this because of the overwhelming pain I was in.
What's happening in this world? Not to get political here but something is happening and it's pretty damn scary
Someone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others. This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY.