Another day in paradise...NOT

When will this end for us? This prison life. This caged existence. This torture in our own bodies. The fallout in our lives. The bad decisions. Impulsivity. Rage. Fear. Feeling like death. Torture. Mourning who we were and who we could be.

Why weren't we warned??
Why are we the unlucky 25-35 percent?
What is the meaning and purpose of this all along, if any?
Do we ever REALLY heal?
Do we ever rebuild our lives to what they were? How can we explain the losses to our children, our friends, other onlookers who just think we should pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and get on with life?
What's a day in this life like?

I woke up today at 6am to benzo terror. You know the kind. Where your entire nervous system is set on fire. Where your heart is pounding 150 beats per minute. The crying. The exhaustion of one more day like this. The feeling that you  just can't do another day. You just can't.

Not all days have been like this.  This was stirred by emotions. Emotions that would lead anyone to a sleepless night but not the kind I had. I mean, up all night frying and frying and frying. I am so scared of what this is doing to my body and my soul. And primarily what it is doing to my children that I can barely connect to. They see me drifting around the house like a ghost, laying down or distracted. God, make this fucking stop. I fucking hate you benzos and I hate the ignorance around this medication even more. I hate that life keeps going. Keeps passing me by. Spring, summer, leaves falling, winter, then repeat. And still we are stuck in hell one more year...until....

I stupidly have been putting myself in harm's way. I won't get into the details now, but one day I will expose my shame, my erratic decisions that I don't even recognize. I feel like I have been body snatched by some impulsive erratic emotional looping needy mess. And that's being kind to myself....

A benzo friend comforted me today and said " Oh, just do what you need to do to get through the day". This hero walked through years of torture, akathisia, hell on earth. 
Recently he had felt cocky enough to try a little drinking here and there and at 4 years out felt immune to the hell that he endured for so long. Then, without warning, BAM. He woke up in benzo withdrawal once again. Can you imagine? After putting in your time? Does god care? Does god really care if we are good people, kind, loving, compassionate, givers...does any of that shit matter? Well, no. Maybe to your inner peace but not to the cards we are dealt.
Sorry for the bitch fest. 
I was haunted by the news that the wonderful Jennifer Leigh PsyD. has announced her retirement due to a wave she has endured after 6 years off benzos. Is it the initial shock that her body went through that caused continued problems? Has it triggered something else that is underlying her condition? Maybe something we all share in common to explain why this is so hard for some and so painless for others?
I am praying for her and mourn her loss to the community. I am saddened that her website will be taken down as it has been such a strong source of support and comfort for so many.
I still go back and read her early posts sometimes just to normalize what I am going through.
My daily questions are "Is this normal?" "Will I heal?" "Has anyone felt this before?". Her posts provided a source of real comfort. She was smart and wrote well. She has a good strong heart. She is kind and sharp. I am pissed that benzos have taken so much from her.
I hope she continues to work at her goals with her book and other ways in which she has helped so many. She has been a beacon of light to those still in this dark tunnel.
While I would love to have a voice in the future when I am well, I don't even know if I could muster the word "benzo" again without a PTSD reaction.
In the meantime, I am trying to ignore ALL of my symptoms. Literally keep going no matter what, die on your feet as my wise friend says.... though my chest and body are on fire, I am having olfactory hallucinations, I am verging on terror all day etc.
Ignore! Ignore! Ignore!
I tell my body this all day. I never thought I would be advocating disassociation but that's the only way to make it through. I like to pretend I am an enlightened monk and that nothing can touch me or my brain. Because, hey, I am enlightened!

Affirmations:
The Universe has my back
Everything that happens, I can chose to fight it or accept it
Everything that happens is a lesson
Be careful who you trust
Be careful who you let into your life
Stay away from triggers, strong emotions and people that stir that up in you
Love no matter what comes at you because it's the only game in town
I will heal
I will be healthy and free again very soon

Update:
I am still holding at .20 V and the gabapentin and remeron. Next week I go down once again .05 and then hold and proceed downward again.... Yes, this shit is sure taking forever. Jesus--a two year taper off of 5mg. God help me. Kindled and screwed. It was all for nothing but here I am... putting one foot in front of the other.
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