This terror is killing me.
How can I describe it?
How do I "sound so good" with this internal experience.
Maybe I'm a good liar. Maybe I'm a good faker. Maybe I am entirely detached from my mind and body at the moment.
This is pure chemical terror. How do I describe the indescribable?
I feel it in my chest. Like someone has poured acid down my throat and esophagus (no,, it's not GERD). My head hurts with a terrible pressure. My nerves IN MY BRAIN hurt. While my neurologist assured me that "the brain can't burn" that is the sensory experience I am having.
I got upset yesterday and didn't sleep all night. I was up until 6am.
It hurts. Being so awake hurt. Being asleep hurts.
I dream I am in withdrawal and it won't end.
My dreams were never about rainbows and butterflies. How will I ever be able to explain this to another?
How will I move on from this suspended state of agony?
I was up all night and my heart was beating out of my chest. It felt like that anyway. I didn't care if my heart gave out, I just didn't care. I want peace, I want peace so badly it doesn't matter how that peace comes, it must come.
We lost another warrior.
My friend John. We actually lost two but I did not know the other poor suffering soul. He had two kids I believe and a doting beautiful wife.
John though was my friend.
I will post his obit here not to trigger, but to acknowledge.
He wanted this to be acknowledged. He wanted to be remembered. He wanted to get to the bottom of this and uncover truths. He was one of the sanest men I have talked to, and so so intelligent and KIND. He was a brilliant soul. He believed he wasn't good enough but he WAS. He had been living with family that didn't believe him, and I don't know the other circumstances. But I remember the first time we talked. We talked for hours. And I enjoyed it so much. He was stimulating, kind, smart as hell, and FUNNY.
He had reached out to me on March 21st which was my child's birthday so I must not have seen it. By the 31st he was gone but I didn't find out for weeks after.
John, you are missed and remembered.
We believe you.
Whoever you touched saw your sweet deep soul. We loved you from afar and wanted you well. We wanted you to be seen, heard and diagnosed correctly.
A doctor I believe cut his benzo supply off, I am not certain. This is a preventable tragedy.
We cannot continue to endure this kind of narcissistic abuse by practitioners. It is just deadly. He loved life. I just want people to know that and to know him. He was not crazy. He was not sick. He was not mentally ill. He was suffering from a brutal benzodiazapine withdrawal with NO support.
That is what killed him.
Someone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others. This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY.