I am obsessed. I am not well. I am in the midst of what feels like the major withdrawal. Haven't felt like this since my fast taper last year. And, despite that I took it crazy slow doesn't seem to matter. I burn burn burn, prickle in terror. Today is a respite from that and I just feel completely worn out. Worn to the bone. Worried about my survival. My heart is pounding. I know symptom talk is boring. So boring. Believe me, I wish someone could wave a magic wand and do this for me. I wish someone could turn back time. I wish I was warned, told and cautioned. I wish I had done my own research. I wish I wish.
Doctor wants me on neurontin. I really don't want to add medications and am holding out. The pain feels truly unbearable, I mean agonizing. Agonizing chest pain, All my nerves are on fire. Why Why am I having such a bizarre reaction. Will I ever be me? Neurotic, funny, energetic me. Happy, healthy me. I really wonder. I want to stay positive but I am positively worried. Please god or whoever protect me now through this dark journey. I have two beautiful children I want to play with, I want to sing to, I want to read to. This is crazy. It's a perpetual internal state of shock. Please body bear with me. Please body carry me through this to the other side. I am counting on you. My doctor dumped me. He is finding someone else that can work with me because he doesn't understand why this is happening and what is happening. Neither do I. I am too tired to think. I am too tired to research. I watched a documentary called AWAKE today. About the Yogananda who was in a deep meditative state, writing at all hours of the night. I want my body to be calm again. What is that like? To rest. To feel peace. To feel joyful.
People say this is chemical as well as psychological. My battle is not reacting to my symptoms. Let them come and go, arise and observe. But when you are writhing in pain what is there to do.
I will be be again.
I will be me.
I must hold on to that no matter how long it takes.
Someone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others. This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY.