I called a friend who I haven't talked with in a while. I asked her if she thought I would be ok, If I would be me again. She said, " I honestly don't know, this has been going on for such a long time". That scares me. The thought that this is the new normal. Or that I have to go through years of terror to get to normal, if that is even possible. I feel like a failure that I had to take neurontin. It has saved me these last couple of days in that I feel somewhat sedated and it cools the burn and terror underneath. But I feel so uneasy. So much PTSD. And all of these questions--why is this so hard and why am I having such an intense reaction. I no longer feel part of the world. Walking around in terror that builds and build and builds. Its boring. I just want my brain to work properly and get off this poison. I am not saying anything new or productive, It's a rollercoaster, I am sorry.
One moment at a time I am telling myself.
This didn't happen overnight and it won't be solved overnight.
I am too tired to contemplate what this means for my family. Loss of income, loss of self, and loss of perspective at the moment. I am beaten down. I won't lie Where has my positivity gone? Jennifer Leigh PsyD writes that she thought her positivity would help in this process....once she cold turkeyed she said she was WRONG. It didn't help because the agony was so great.
But I have to remember I am blessed to have a better day today...free of the immense jaw dropping terror that left me bedridden. Free of that inner restlessness that tortures your soul.
Healing is happening each and every day in every way. The body and brain will heal. One day.
Someone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others. This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY.