I feel hesitant to keep writing. I want this to be an inspirational blog not a morbid one. I wanted positivity and coping tools to shine through. I wanted to glide off this poisonous medication and say, "See, If I can do it, you can too". I don't know anymore. Crushing depression alternating with inner restlessness/akathesia. I prefer the down, depressing feelings though they are completely foreign to me having never been a depressive. I love life yet now if I manage to get out I feel tons of envy towards people in good health. People able to sit still. People able to focus, organize their thinking, concentrate, laugh, not have a well of symptoms that interrupt their functioning. And I am not even OFF YET. That's the scary part. If this was as BAD as it would get, with the help of this damn neurontin I could manage. Several weeks ago, I couldn't manage the pain. The pain was 100 on a scale of 1-10. I am not exaggerating. People before my have walked this path. They have gotten through it. I wonder if I am strong enough, I really do wonder. I went to an idiot neurologist yesterday as asked to by my doctor. It wasn't helpful as usual. I won't even go into the details, but they know nothing about akathesia. Or they know something about it but don't know what to do about it. Time. Time. Time. Time.
I am going to a recovery meeting tonight if I can. It's sort of ridiculous but I am going. I wish I was built like a tank like those guys. They can guzzle anything and be good in a week or two. Iatrogenic injury is much different. Misunderstood. Hidden. Not talked about. Going to rest now. Like I said, I hesitate writing.
My friend wants me to ask a guru in India to do a black magic ceremony to cure me of this. Ha. Whatever works. Whatever works I say........but let's stay grounded in reality. One. Moment. At. A. Time. Everything is temporary. This body is temporary. This experience. My life as I knew it. I want to go back and rewind the clocks so badly. So badly. Never take for granted a single moment you can SIT STILL. Just sitting down. Being still in your body. A pain free body that isn't exploding on fire. The bliss of that.
Someone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others. This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY.