The question for many of us is how did we get here. Yes, I might be an accidental addict when it comes to benzo and substances, but I am all too familiar with addictive tendencies--overspending, shopping, overworking, eating disorders (recovered now), overdoing, love addiction, pushing through, stuffing down my truth again and again. Had I known how to have balance in my life after children, I would not be here. Had I not been so afraid during and after I had children, I might not be here. Had I trusted in a power greater than myself, trusted in the universe and the order of things I would not have needed to medicate. Had I had a partner that I had felt more connected to during the stressful and beautiful time of having children, I would not be here. So am I surprised that I am here? No, not really. Am I ready to overcome this and think, act and behave differently so I can heal and leave my past behind? Hell yeah.
Growing up with parents who were traumatized they couldn't give me what they didn't have themselves. My father left when I was 6 and instead of crying and grieving the loss, I remember laughing. I coped by laughing. If I had felt safe enough or emotionally attuned to enough to grieve my feelings, I might not have had asthma and a host of other medical issues that required lots of nasty medications and left my immune system even more vulnerable than it was. I was a highly sensitive child and now I guess what they call an HSP ( highly sensitive person). Stuffing down the truth, pushing down, holding in, perfectionism, anorexia, chronic pain--all of these issues are born out of my early trauma.
I am really ready to let it all go--give it all up to the universe and say, I am ready to manifest something different. I love Gabor Mate and his ideas and philosophy on addiction, attachment and trauma. I spoke to a fellow benzo traveler today and she called because of some deep physical pain, Once we talked, she wrote me that her pain had shifted a bit, the energy had moved to her legs and it was more bearable. We need each other and we can help regulate each other. Especially through this process. I find as wonderful as my friends are, no one can understand this if you haven't lived it or felt it or believe it.
People just say, oh, ignore it. I can't really ignore when my body feels like it's been lit on fire. I can keep talking to myself gently and saying, this too shall pass. Yesterday was a hideous day and today is a better one. Only because some people make it off without incident doesn't mean there are many many of us suffering silently, and courageously. It's important to look at what drew us to the medication in the first place and to deal with that conflict head on however and get to the root cause. For me, this video resonates. My problem lies in attachment and it always has. I feel terribly that my young children have a half absent mother this last year because of this situation. I find it hard to be present and do the hard work of parenting at the moment, I am determined to have better days or accept whatever days come up. I am at 3mg V today! Hurray. blech!
Things partners can do to help:
-listen with curiousity--really listen. Let yourself be moved by your partners experience. Let their pain in so they can feel your love
-give hugs, foot rubs, gentle touch
-express your needs, when you are getting burnt out on 'benzo talk'-set limits
-take care of yourself
-express your frustrations, your worries -don't try to be a martyr.
-ask questions about what you can do to help
-try not to engage in any intense fights or conversations. Your partner is most likely not thinking straight and will say and do some crazy ass shit ( I kicked a chair, flew off the handle numerous times)
-tell yourself this is temporary and temporarily pick up the slack, your partner basically has freaking brain damage right now
-try not to make any big moves or decisions. So many relationships crumble under this stress and many have already been strained which probably led to the medication in the first place.
-talk softly, try to control your temper
-if you are spiritual, walk, meditate or exercise together. Hold hands. Make the person you are with feel loved and accepted through their craziness.
You are all amazing spirits on a difficult path at the moment. See what lessons there are here for you.....
Someone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others. This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY.