I was a little too amped yesterday. It seems I always begin to write at midnight then I can't slow myself down. I just cried. I don't want to allow myself to cry because my CNS is SO raw. It literally feels so raw that any emotion will turn into night sweats and weeks of terror at the moment. So... I cried while watching a video slideshow that my husband made for me for our 9th anniversary. I was so unwell these last several months that I never even took a look at it. I couldn't make it all the way through. I saw the old me. Laughing. Doing fun things with my children. Joking with my kids. Pregnant. Walking my dogs. Laying on the beach. I never in a million years would have thought I would be here. Never. Expect the unexpected I guess.
The doctor I saw today said "Well, you are planning to go back into your work aren't you?". Sure. Yes. But I pray I will regain my mind and body. It's so far away. I am loaded up on gabapentin (actually on a fairly low dose of 600 mg per day total) which has kept the terror at bay the last 6-7 days. I feel it in my chest now. Damn. I shouldn't have cried. Things change in an instant in life. I met the wrong doctor at the wrong time in my life and got the wrong advice. I don't know, maybe my life has been leading to this breakdown all along. Could I have avoided it?
Will my iatrogenic injury ever heal? Will it? Will akathesia heal? Can it? My doctor assured me that yes it can. He assured me that I can heal under these drugs. He assured me I can get off this last 1mg. How brutal will it be, that we do not know. I restart my taper after the new year. A benzo friend who has come off successfully told me to slowly get off .1 per week unti I am off. All along I knew I would hit acute. I have been too unwell this whole year. The damage was already done. I know many who haven't kindled or have been on without shocking the nervous system and they have a much easier time. Even though I barely used a thing, my on/off pattern that started in my twenties has caught up with me now. The steroid was what through me over the edge as well as the cipro. All the past. need to stay focused on the future. I can and will do this. I told my husband to be my voice piece if I cannot speak. Don't let me wither away in some nasty hospital. He said he wouldnt let that happen. God if it weren't for akathesia I think I could do this. I think I could handle being tired, or having pain or whatever. it is the terror and inner restlessness, please make it go. PLEASE whoever the fuck is up there.
It will be a two month hold that I am doing. I need several weeks of 'respite'. Today I FORCED myself to go to yoga. Once there, I felt it was overtaxing to my nervous system. The burning started coming and the rawness and the heaviness of my body. It's not my body I am in right now. It might look like me, a haggard old ugly me but it's not me.I am going to do what Evy McDonald did when she healed herself. Look at every inch of my body and love it. Self compassion completely. Love all of it and let go of the results. I don't want to live my life in suffering. I don't want to live a life of pain. Whatever lessons are here for my soul to learn I better learn them quickly.
Someone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others. This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY.